Does anyone out in cyberspace have any experience with books on children who are strong willed/spirited/fussy/high needs, etc? I've read a bunch of reviews on Amazon, but I'd prefer to get ideas from actual people, not just a anonymous commenter who's probably just the the book's author anyway.
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For months, I've looked longingly at these mild mannered, good natured, cuddly, snuggly babies, wondering what I could have done wrong that made Natalie not have those characteristics. And there were times I got self-righteous and thought "I hardly ate or drank anything bad when I was pregnant! I didn't have an epidural! She's never had a drop of formula! She wears cloth diapers (sometimes)! I stay at home with her! I'm doing everything "right", so why isn't she an easier baby?!?!"
When strangers ask me if Natalie is a good baby, I don't know how to respond. What is a 'good baby' really? Does 'good' mean doing certain 'baby things' well? Because there are several things she does brilliantly, such as crying, pooping, crawling, pulling up, sleeping through the night, and babbling. So if that's the case, Natalie is a great baby. Or does 'good' mean 'easy', such as being good natured and friendly, loving everyone, and crying only when hungry or tired? Because if that's the case, no, Natalie's not 'good'. But I hope that 'good' always has to equal 'easy'.
God gave me Natalie and her strong-willed, fuss-bucket nature for a reason. With all my heart, I believe that. And I'm slowly discovering what that reason is (or reasons are).
I'm panicky, emotional, easily overwhelmed, and extremely critical of myself (I'm also pretty funny, a great shrimp-stir-fry-maker, and an expert at wiggling my ears - but that's neither here or nor there). Some of my characteristics I see in Natalie. New places make her nervous (me too). Loud, busy places can stress her out (me too). She has a very tiny patience-threshold when she's tired (me too). She's very emotional and can change emotions very quickly (me too).
I'm a creature of habit and routine. But Natalie is teaching me that I can't be so rigid. Something that worked yesterday to pacify her won't necessarily work to pacify her today. In my mind, what worked yesterday should work today, but that's not how Natalie operates. She keeps me on my toes, forcing me to get creative and stop my persistence at trying to fit the proverbial square peg into the proverbial round hole.
I have a comfort zone - it's a lovely little place where I (think I) have control. But Natalie forces me out of it. it sounds silly to be grateful to an 8.5 month old baby, but I am.
And I think God is using Natalie to improve my relationship with Him. I think I've prayed more since Natalie's been born than I have my entire life. I may not feel like I'm cut out to be the mother of such a fussy baby, but that's not the point. God thinks - no, He knows - I am. He knows how I am - how nervous and wacky I am. And he knows how Natalie is - how she goes from smiling to crying hysterically to smiling again in the matter of seconds (seriously, that's not an exaggeration). And despite all that, He put the two of together. Knowing that He did that, and knowing that He'll never give me more than I can handle, makes me feel a little less overwhelmed.
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6 comments:
The biggest thing I want to say here is that babies feed off us moms. When you are stressed/nervous/etc, she will be too. I've read about this, and I know it to be true with my own kids. They are the absolute worst when I have PMS. We feed off each others negative energy. So, first step, in my non expert opinion would be to look at you, and how you can be more relaxed and how that can maybe help Nat.
OK, also want to say that I have had one extremely hard to deal with child (nice word: challenging), and one very easy going, cuddly, friendly child. So I know both sides. And it's hard. I love them both, but one of them is much easier to love. We take it one day at a time, figuring out what works, then sticking with that, and letting that evolve.
For us it means very few social interactions with more than one or two friends, nothing loud/chaotic, everything very routine, allowing him to be obsessive about certain things, lots of reminders of transitions. As a baby though it meant I could never leave him with anyone (he was only OK with me there). You just find what works, through trial and error, and do that.
As far as books go, Connection Parenting is good, the Spirited Child is OK, How to Talk ... is good, and there are a few others I like that I will get back to you on after I look up the names.
Call me anytime - I can totally empathize with you girl!! Just one day (maybe one minute) at a time. Take time for you. Love her endlessly, and it will work out!
Oh, and many of mom friends joke about how all babies are schizophrenics, or at the very least bi-polar. Kids go through emotions crazy fast!!
You should hang with Avery for a day if you think Natalie has huge mood swings! ha!
Seriously though, Avery was NOT easy. I remember seeing you and your mom in Target when she was little and I had a less than enthused response when you asked me if I was loving being a mom.
One thing I have come to realize is that I am glad Avery is strong-willed. Wouldn't you rather Natalie be strong-willed than a pansy kid? Being strong-willed with YOU means she will likely be that way in life. She will think for herself and not be a follower.
A was fussy, but not as fussy as N so I can't say much about that, but I have figured out that the difficult baby is the easier toddler and vice versa. haha! Maybe that will work for you!
I can say that I really think the difficult times I have had with A prepared me for her next phase. About every 6 months there is a huge shift in everything regarding Avery from her appearance, to her personality, her mentality, everything. As she becomes more aware of things or understands the world around her, this shift is evident. Most kids go through this from birth to pre-school age. Avery is in her mot difficult stages around her birthday. My sweet angel who is amazing and perfect and the epitome of GOOD baby appears around her half-birthday.
So, don't be shocked if she becomes easier soon and then becomes a terror again right about the holidays. :o)
This post really tugged at my heart. I remember thinking the same thing when Duke was around Natalie's age. We went to Oklahoma for a visit and I was so excited for all of my friends to meet him for the first time. We went to a cookout with everyone there. I spent the entire night walking Duke around the yard because he wouldn't stop crying. That kid would get so mad and cry so hard he would bust blood vessels in his legs. And that same temper carries over into his personality today.
Just yesterday I was pondering how better to handle him. I am so tired of fighting. It's a struggle to get him to take a nap, go to bed at night, take a bath, get dressed in the morning. And the truth is I am so tired of the fight. So, we are trying something new. (It's not going to work with Natalie, but I will test it out and let you know when she's three if you should try it.)
So, I don't know that I have any really great advice for you, but just wanted to say that not everyone gets the "good" babies. But like Rae said, I would rather have a strong-willed Duke, than a push-over Duke. I am going to dust off my copy of The Strong-Willed Child. My friend highly recommended this book. I have read parts of it and it makes good sense. You might want to check it out.
I will be praying for you!
Would like to leave a detailed response like the aboves, but my own high needs/fussy/spirited/strong willed baby is screeching. :/ You KNOW you are not alone in this at least.
Love your post! I feel the same way many days. I think "What am I doing wrong? Why doesn't she cry for Dad?" You put into words how I feel. Loved reading it!
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